Primordial Shinji
by Traitor of All Traitors
Summary: If you read Final Struggle: Teaser, then you know every other story gives a glimpse into the mind of the Shinji Ikari that "lived" after Third Impact. What we don't know is how damaged he had become from living all these different lives as a consequence of trying to find Yui and ending her. Read here to try and grasp at some of the damage.


Creation began on 06-11-17

Creation ended on 06-11-17

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Primordial Shinji

A/N: We get a look into the ravaged mind of who was once Shinji Ikari, but is now less than a soul deprived of all sense of humanity.

They betrayed me. They took every advantage they had of me. And then, when I needed them the most, to tell me that I mattered to them, to know they would be in my life, they abandoned me. And the knife to the back of my heart is that, despite all my efforts to hold on to a semblance of a life worth living, it was all taken from me.

Mother. That bitch. Even as she runs from me, trying to hide from me in one life after another, all she has done has caused me further agony that is living. She doesn't realize how much it hurts me to experience these lives that aren't mine, to have memories that are nothing more than empty promises of a bunch of possibilities that are all for naught.

The people that I meet, the places that I go to, none of them are really what befell me. The real me! They're just…pieces of my soul, maimed beyond any hope of mending. What was dealt to me can't be un-dealt by anyone, no matter how much they claim to care.

And I don't want to be mended. I don't want to embrace the falsehood of joy that comes with living. Every breath I take, every beat of my heart, even the false memories that intertwine with my real ones, it all hurts. Life, love, friendship, family, home, I have none of those! I will never have any of those!

" _Shinji, I love you."_ Their voices, all the people, different from the ones I knew, none of whom were ever true, say to me, and their smiles, their faces, their empty promises of togetherness with me, just makes me even more determined to find that bitch and undo her life so that she can't run from me, anymore. _"Shinji, I love you."_

Even as I have amassed a small band of those with the same goal as my own, the sight of their faces…and the sound of their voices…harms me because most are just myself, having lived lives that all ended with nothing but pain, loneliness, anger, loss, and without a shred of comfort in knowing it would all end. The end, all that was left in anything about anything…and it eludes me. Because she eludes me. Even if I cry, my tears sear at my face like acid, and another false memory of these other lives flashes in front of me, making the pain I feel intensify.

" _How disgusting,"_ Asuka, the real one, once told me, her final words before she pushed me over the edge, the point of no return. _"How disgusting."_

And so I killed her. I killed her…because she despised me. I really wanted to understand her, for her to understand me, to see that I hated the Eva, NERV, my parents, and she rejected me. She could've told me something else that day…or night…I still don't know what time it was or how long it had been before any sense of sense returned to my conscious…about how she felt, about why she even bothered to return with me…and in the end…

" _Aaaaaurgh!"_ My false memories of my other selves as they suffered intertwined my own downfall.

No matter what I did, it was never enough for anyone. Not him, not her, not Misato, none of them! I was forced to sacrifice everything for them…and they gave me nothing in the end! I have nothing…and I would rather be nothing if it means ending the suffering that ravages my heart and soul.

" _What do you want?"_ The voices that plague me asked many times over.

What is it that I want? What do I want more than anything else in existence? I want it all to stop! I don't want to continue this way of living as I search for Mother!

All things must end…and yet she forces me to go on! There is no hope! There is no forgiveness! No eternal proof that people ever existed! None of it matters!

As soon as I find her…and kill her…this has to stop. I want it all to end. I'm tired of everything and everyone. It hurts to stay…and it hurts to leave…and it's all her fault.

" _Goodbye, Mother,"_ I once said to her.

How pathetic I had been. But I will say to her again…when I choke the life out her neck for using me. Then…nothing else will matter, anymore. Not these lives, the suffering, the memories, none of them.

" _Are we closer to finding her?"_ The child incarnation of myself once asked me as another incarnation of myself joined the band of vengeance after he was killed by his father.

I didn't answer him…or just another shade of myself. Why answer a question to myself when even I do not have the answer? It has been so long, I don't even remember when I started. Has it been a year…or a decade…or an eternity?

I imagine myself as a mirror, whole and stable. Then Third Impact happened…and the mirror shatters into countless pieces, each one just a different life, with different outcomes and solutions. But whether or not there was one where I was split between my seven desires, one where I had a child of my own to take care of, fighting giants that ate people, lost in the past before Second Impact and facing an irradiated dinosaur, or even ones where I died and still had to endure suffering because of unresolved issues, they all did the same thing to me, which was cause pain. I never want to feel anything ever again after Mother dies for real.

And she will die. She lied to me. She used me. She deserves it. We all get what we deserve in the end…and I deserve to have it all end, to return to nothingness…even if it means everything and everyone returns to it with me.

No more pain. No more loneliness. No more hurt. No more.

Fin

A/N: Yikes! What do you think of Shinji? The original Shinji? This is the result of Third Impact, Human Instrumentality, and abandonment will do to someone like him. Review! Question!


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